The landscape has changed

barren landscapeLife is a journey.

Have you ever been on a long road trip, taken a nap while another person was driving, and you were totally disoriented when you woke up because the landscape around you had changed and you were now in unfamiliar territory?

When this happens in life what do you do?  Suddenly, the future before you has changed.  You’re not sure what to do.  What had seemed a certainty is now gone, instead of a few possible choices, anything is a possibility. While choice is great, too many choices are overwhelming.

Having a game-plan doesn’t ensure success.

Personally, I’m the type who prefers to always have a game-plan, and usually with a few back-up plans just in case Plan A falls apart.  Unfortunately, sometimes my plans turn into an epic fail.  And even though I’ve said I’d rather take the risk to either succeed spectacularly or fail epically, its really no fun to feel like you’ve failed.  Success is always preferred.

Right now my heart hurts, my brain is on overload, and my emotions are all over the map.  How do I make sense of this? Where is God in all of this?  Did I miss something? Where did I go wrong? Is my judgement really that off? How could I have possibly messed this up so badly? Can I really trust myself again? These are the thoughts that plague me in the quietness of the night hours. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Even listening to my iTunes can be dangerous if the wrong song plays in the shuffle.

What’s a girl to do?

“Be still and know that I am God.” Still.  Do I know how to be still?  Not very well.  In fact out culture pretty much shuns stillness.  Between books, internet and social media, television, movies, smartphones, and tablet devices we have an multitude variety of things to keep our minds and brains so entertained that we forget how to be still and just listen.  Sometimes we’re afraid of our own thoughts – but are those really what we need to be listening to?  I’ve heard it said that to get to true stillness we need to:

Quiet our actions so we can hear our voice

Quiet our voice so we can hear our thoughts

Quiet our thoughts so we can hear our breathing

Quiet our breathing so we can hear our heartbeat

Quiet our heartbeat so we can hear our soul

Quiet our soul so we can hear the Voice of God (paraphrased)

The landscape has changed.

So, here in this new place, which seems so barren, I’m allowing myself to be still. To be okay with being in the ‘in-between’.  And  while I’m being still and quiet He will heal me and then He will whisper to me which way I’m supposed to go.

I’m okay with that.

if its scary quote

2 responses to “The landscape has changed

  1. Aw, Kerri…I’m so sorry to read of your struggle, and yet I can say that I remember feeling quite similarly at different seasons through my own life as well. You’re right…He can be found in the stillness…and it’s for times like these that He has placed us in spiritual families. I’ve learned that in some of my darkest days, the only way I could keep walking was to trust in Him, and trust the others He had placed around me during the brighter days, because I walked through some times where I knew that trusting myself or my own reactions was too dangerous… But you’re also right that in that difficult process you will find yourself healed, strengthened, and eventually restored… Praying for you sister!

  2. “Having a game plan doesn’t ensure success.” What a great quote. I’m like you Kerri. I have plans A-D all lined up before I embark, and when I fail I flounder… until God reveals to me that I was never in control to begin with. He was. It’s in that moment, though still feeling pain and heartbreak, I realize that I’m going to be okay–successful– if I grab His out stretched hand and let Him lead me. All those questions go away and I just walk.

    Don’t feel like you’ve failed, friend. His success for us and our success for ourselves rarely line up, yet when we achieve what He has for us, there isn’t any greater accomplishment. Just in turning to Him for comfort and guidance–seeking to be still–is half the journey to reaching what God has for you. So you are already on the road to success!

    I can feel your angst in this post, and, unfortunately, it isn’t without pain, anxiety, and confusion that we grow stronger. I wish it weren’t so. At the same time, we wouldn’t glean the wisdom and perspective we need for life’s later circumstances, either for ourselves or someone we meet along in our journey. I will not tell you to “learn what lesson God has for you,” because that isn’t helpful. I hate when people tell me that.

    Instead I say, embrace angst and wrestle with it while you are seeking God and knowing Him like you are… He will comfort you. Put the pain in your pocket and be ready… because there will be a moment sometime in the future when God will tell you to remove it from your pocket and say “Remember when?”; this crazy detour in your journey will make perfect sense.

    I’m praying for you.

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